This started out as a comment at Dalrock’s, and got long enough that I moved it here. The context is the idea some people keep putting forth that there is an epidemic of beautiful, fit, smart, Christian, virtuous young women who want nothing more than to be married but can’t find a decent man. Sometimes they can’t even get a date. It’s a very sad story if it’s true, so I decided to explore the idea a bit. Here’s the comment that got me started. If I recall correctly, the commenter is the father of a couple of over-educated girls with no apparent marriage prospects, so he white-knights frequently:
A beautiful 23 year old girl with no debt, high SMV, and a college degree has both astronomically high MMV and SMV. She doesn’t just wake up one day and decide that today, she is going to get married. She has to be asked.
They aren’t getting asked. That is the problem. — IBB
First, let me dispense with one myth he keeps repeating: a college degree is never going to make a woman more attractive to men, no matter how many times you say it or how much you wish it were so.
As for the rest: We’ve got a beautiful 23-year-old girl with no red flags who wants to be married. I assume she’s not hiding in the basement due to crippling shyness, so men do see her beauty and have opportunities to approach her. Obviously they aren’t going to approach and propose in the middle of their first conversation; they’re going to approach and talk to her for a bit, see if there’s some interest there, ask for a phone number or even a date. If she agrees, they’re going to see each other for a while, meet each other’s families, talk about increasingly marriage-oriented things, and THEN he’s going to propose to her.
So if she’s not getting any proposals, that process is breaking down along the way somewhere. Let’s explore where.
First, a beautiful 23-year-old girl who goes out in public WILL be approached. Don’t tell me she won’t. I have eyes. Sadly, I’ve also been the let’s-just-be-friends friend of a few beautiful 20- to 25-year-old girls, and got to see just how many approaches they get, to the point that they actually know how to use call waiting on their phones, and have to decide which date offer to accept (if any) each night they go out. If she goes to a bar or a party, men will buy/bring her drinks all night just for the opportunity to talk to her.
Next, some of the men WILL be attractive. As he says, she has an astronomical SMV, so she won’t be approached only by fatsos and geeks. She’ll be approached by handsome men, rich men, confident men, Christian men, and men who embody combinations of those traits.
So, the next step: does she indicate any interest? Is she putting them off somehow? Even if she is, that’s not the whole problem, because some men are pretty hard to discourage when they have a hot babe in the crosshairs. Just being a little reserved isn’t going to scare them away.
So is she refusing their advances? Are her expectations so high that not a single one of these men is worth a date? Is she playing way too hard to get? (Again, this probably wouldn’t keep the most persistent ones away.)
If she’s going on some dates, what’s going wrong then? Are they all pushing for quick sex? No. Some will, of course, but not all of them, even today. Some won’t out of morals; but there will also be others who would expect a first-date lay from a 30-year-old mother-of-two, who nonetheless would accept a longer wait when the prize is a hot,chaste 23-year-old. So at least some of them will play it straight.
Is she driving them away once they get to know each other? Is she just a crazy bitch? Probably not already at 23, coming from a good family. Besides, even insanity wouldn’t prevent EVERY man from sticking around if she’s really hot. Just seeming relatively normal in the head would be plenty to satisfy most men and keep them around while the relationship matures, considering her looks.
That brings us to the proposal. So if she’s made herself available, shown any interest at all in men who approach her, gone on dates to get to know them, and not driven them away with some sort of inexcusable personality disorder, the proposal WILL come. That’s just how it works. That’s how it’s always worked in the past in most societies, and it’s how it still works today for plenty of women who don’t have as much to offer as she does. It just makes no sense at all to think that the MOST attractive girls have it the hardest. That’s like saying that the men with the most money and the fastest cars have the hardest time getting dates. It’s nonsense.
Consider this: any woman who’s hot AND at least mildly famous will get proposals in the mail. Why wouldn’t the men proposing to her propose to her if she were not famous but went to their churches, if they got the chance? The answer is: they would. They do.
Update: Cane Caldo did a great post covering a part of this that I only touched on: white-knighting fathers who encourage their princesses to hold out for the perfect man, and scare everyone else away.